Monday, December 16, 2013


There was no need for her to step out of house that day but she did. And that how it began.
She like to go out every other day. For shopping bringing make up, dresses and lot of home materials and sometime for her NA meeting. NA meeting are to share their problem and helping them to get rid of some of their addictions. She never told what its about. Why she go there? And even when I asked her she always used not to tell. I never forced her. I trusted her with everything in my life. And always told myself. Whatever she is doing its for good.
I do  suffer. That she could talk to stranger and share her problem with them but not with me. I believed that if she can live with devil within her so could I.
At times I use to ask her that if I can pick her up from meetings but she always refuses. And that make me stop offering her.
14years of our marriage. But still there is something between us which was unrevealed.
Which drugs? And what drugs? I don’t want to know. All I know I was afraid in entering a silent house. It test my patient when I don’t find her at home. It scared me to death if I will see her again or not.
Alcohol wasn’t forbidden at home. She used to bring Red wine once in while from Neighborhood store. No Girl or women used to go at that store and in some days that becomes an issue for the colony but it never matters to her.
She always use to say that one drink of wine will never harm to her. And she can also stop herself at one glass of wine. It is use to fine for her. And even use to mark on her words. She never had more than a glass of wine.
He was ready to stay with her with all the devil inside her.
Until the day of blast.
The were 5 consecutive blast in main city. One by one. She called me up in every one hour to know if I am fine or not. How will I come to home back. Are the train and taxi are safe? Till what time I will reach home. She sounded very scared every time she called me up.
I made her relaxed and said ‘Aina Just relax. I am fine. I will call a cab to drop me home. And I will be perfectly fine and on time. So you relax.’
‘Shaan. Please Take care of yourself’ And then she hanged up.
I reached home little late at 8. I rang the bell 10 times but no one opened the door. I was scared.  It was again. She wasn’t at home. She again step out. But in such a situation why she went out. I looked at every place but I still couldn’t find her. I even called her but she left her phone at home.
I waited all long. I wasn’t comfortable with the situation around me so I went down. Near the gate running my eyes up and down. After long wait she returned at 10.
She returned with some plastic bags in her hand and pulled out a Chinese food from it. ‘Oh thank god you’re back. How’d you return? I was so worried.’
I exclaimed ‘Oh you were worried.’
She started serving the food she brought for us.
I asked her again ‘Where were you?’
`At market.’ She replied.
I repeated ‘Market?’
‘Why? Oh! Because of all the blasts you are asking? Are baba, I wasn’t feeling good at home so I went outside to shop. It’s a Friday haat in the next colony. And nearby Chinese restaurant as you know.’
‘You were so upset in the morning. Calling me in every hour and then there you suddenly stepped out.’ I said with the anger inside me.
‘You said to relaxed. I called everyone I know. And I didn’t wanted to stay home so I went. And it was near to our house.’
I closed my eyes Ignored all the topic and relaxed my mind saying that she is fine relax. We both finished our Hakka noodles while watching the News.
Everything was perfectly fine till 6 in the morning while I noticed the plastic bags which Aina bought last night.
Aina use to woke up at 7 in the morning and I wake up at 6 and used to look her while she is a sleep. Those plastic bags where of good quality. They aren’t from the Friday haat. They where like the same one which I can see in the news last night near mall blast.
I calm down myself with an innocent explanation. They might be the old bags as sometime haat don’t give bags.
Everything went perfectly fine as it was going till the time a Fire breakout took place in the biggest mall. 2 floors were completely gutted and many of them died and 3 were completely burned. And some of them reported missing.
And again the Aina was missing. I keep my self relax by saying she went to the dry cleaner as she told me in morning about it. Or to near McDonalds for some burger as she said she haven’t ate anything rubbish from long time. And in 10 mins she was at home with McDonald burgers. And I took a deep breath and relaxed.
But still there were thousand question running in my mind. Why didn’t she called for home delivery? Why today?
Everything went fine but then I noticed her salwar with few drops of blood on it. Where it came from? Is she fine? Might be because of Menstruation. I went to a bath. And ignored all the Bad thing.
The month went by. I kept a close look on the news on my computer screen. But there was nothing no riots , no blast and no Fire.
One day she brought home a bottle of wine. This time she took 2 glass of wine and ready to have the 3rd one. I touched her wrist gently. But she suddenly snapped her hand back by saying ‘I can handle it don’t try to play daddy with me.’
Yes I was worried and so I decided to follow her next evening. And then there was a drastic change in life came. I saw her whole new. Wearing tight and short dress. Dark red lipstick and Cigarette in her mouth. She was looking like a model. There were 3 mans with her. She seem to very close to the one who is handsome and seen to be lot stylish. They went up to the taxi and all drove in another one.
I was numb for a moment looking at them. Looking at her. I followed the car and looked at it stopped at the dry cleaner and then to the strawberry parlor for fruits.
She didn’t get time to change as I entered just after her. The red lipstick was still there. As she opened the door. ‘Oh! You came so early today?’
I handed him my bag and went to change. All the time there were the question in my mind. She isn’t happy with me. She look for a rich people. Who give him a classy lifestyle. That wasn’t my taste she knew it from starting. Even when I proposed her. Then why she is doing all that?
‘I am tired. I am going for sleep.’ I told her and went back to bed.
I stopped talking to her. Every time there was a fear that today or now she will left me. I use to walk early for office and come back late at night. I started ignoring her.
One day when I reached office one of my friend greeted me like I came from a battle. ‘How are you Shaan? Is Aina fine?’
‘What happen? Why are you so scared?’ I asked
‘Don’t you know there is blast near your area. Cinema hall which is just next to building.’ He replied.
I Ran my hand through my hair and gain my consciousness and ran towards the home. I pulled my car from the parking lot. Every minute in the traffic was scary. I keep on scrolling my  phone for the news. And in few minutes there was another bomb last. Breathing was becoming impossible. I parked my car by the side and went in for looking for her. I didn’t want to look on ground I want to look straight and want to find her okay.
And there she was. I ran toward her. Her jaw was bleeding She was handling it with her one hand. I was shivering. I took her to one ambulance But there was no doctor. I shouted on the driver. 'What are you people doing her? Where is the doctor? I took her to the next ambulance and a nurse clean the blood and put up the bandage.
‘That’s it. You wont do any stitching?’ I said in a loud voice.
Nurse only replied with ‘Sir, she is just in state of shock. She is perfectly fine. Take her home and make her rest.’
I wasn’t fine by that. I made her sit in the car. When I finally cut the engine she began to  cry.
‘Please’ I said ‘I can’t deal with any more drama right now. Not today!’
He went on her side and open the door But she didn’t step out. ‘Out!’ I said.
‘Are going to leave me?’ She asked while looking down.
He hold her in his arms and took him inside. She hugged him tight as much as she can.
He made her sleep on the bed. She hold his hand. And said ‘What did I do? I tried everything I can. Why are you pushing me? I can understand one day you being tired but every time. You are ignoring me from the last one week.’
‘Really?’ I asked ‘What about you?’
‘If you were unhappy with me you could have told me. Left me.’ I said. I told her everything I knew. About that dress, Handsome man, Cigarette and all.
There was a long silent between us for few minutes. Then she replied ‘I used to get out the moving cars. In college. The boys would challenge me and I would do it. And here the wine shop. No other women around. But I go there. I used to stand there looking at the bottles. It was like coming to a cliff, dangling a foot over. That feeling of being jolted out of my skin, knowing that I still wanted to live… you know?’
He didn’t know. But he didn’t interrupted.
‘NA kept me busy for a while. The risk of their lives was like magnetic force around me. It was a high, listening to them talk, talk ,talk  but then I got bored. Needed a bigger high. Those guys were like me. We drink we smoke.’
He didn’t wanted to know more. He know all the rest.
She come forward hold my hand and said ‘But I don’t want to be like this.’ A tear rolled down. ‘I feel different with you.’
I looked down at my hands. Yes, 14 years. If she wanted she can leave me. But I had been a content man.
‘So, what do you want from me?’ I asked. ‘What do you want?’
‘ I want to be your wife.’ She replied. ‘If you don’t mind.’
I look at the innocence in her eyes. And said ‘If you promise me that You never put your life in danger. I can’t stand without you Aina.  Feeling of losing you is much dangerous than losing myself.’
She nodded. I shifted the pillow and made her sleep.
I sat there and wondered the women I had chosen. Who go for blast, riots and what not. If I wanted to I could have picked a different woman. But she is right Fear is a special High.

And I sat on sofa and think all the things but more than that to save his love of life form all the danger. And then again I was once more a content man.

Monday, October 28, 2013


It was Dark. Almost 9Pm of the Night in the month of July. Yes, it was raining. Heavy rainfall with all the thunders back to back. And she was standing in the middle of the Road out of the Main Hall Stadium. 5’6 Height-White suit-Long Hair- Fair complexion- High heels and all wet. Her face can tell she was numb like something has stroked her life. He was standing far from for him, listening all the thing while she was talking on Phone. He didn’t knew what the matter is. But he knew that he can’t see her cry.

Soon, two girls came from the stadium hold her and took her inside. The prepared her. It is one of the world best dancing competition. And this was the final. She has to dance. She has to give her the best. She is performing the contemporary. And in few mins she was in the middle of the stage. Crowds cheering out loud, Clapping and hooting. But she was Numb, Her heart was heavy, she wanted to cry, to be left alone. But standing down the stage he knew she have to dance. She wanted to win. And then the lights goes off and the spotlight was on her. And the next moment the Music started. ‘O rePiya’. He went on stage hold her hands and look direct through her eyes like seeing inside the soul and tear rolled down. But with every beat she took a step with him. She cried during the whole dance. She break into millions of pieces inside. Her parents meet with the accident and they both were dead on the spot. And she was dancing. Dancing when she knew have to be with them.

Her father use to say ‘Beta, You and our dreams matter to me the most.’ She was form a rajput family where such activity were discriminated. But her father supported her with every decision she took.

He was unknown to her. She was unknown to him. But He didn’t wanted her to cry. He wanted her to win. He was in love with her. Wanted to hold her. Neither he knew her problem her suffering but he knew how much this competition mattered to her. One of the best Dance completion and he wanted her to win. He hold her hand throughout the song. Saw the every tear falling from her eyes. But made her took every step with him.

And finally the song end- Curtain fall – and she fall on her knees- cried uncontrollable. And so is he with her. Hold her tight. She hide herself in his chest with all the pain.

And that was love with all the respect to show it never because one desperately. But it happen because god want it. Because he want all of us to have someone when because he can’t be present everywhere.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


She woke up at 4 in the morning. Waiting for the fourth whistles in the Kitchen. Grinding the tomatoes. Chopping the onions. From her window she noticed the people outside in park. Jogging. Talking and having A lots of fun. She again started to concentrate on the food she is preparing. It should be special. As She has worked really hard for this menu. Finalizing and changing 4 times before finally decided it.

It had to be Kashmiri pulao, Rajma, Aloo Parantha and raita. Uday’s favorite dishes. Nothing else would fit the occasion. She carefully. remembered to get all the ingredients required for lunch yesterday itself. Her half cooking was almost done.

Now all the food is packed in cooled a little bit before packing them in aluminum foil and then putting them into a lunch box. And in some while all the hot Paranthas, Rajma rice and raita are neatly packed in a Tuperware box.

She chose a peacock blue Kanjevaraam sari to wear as it was gifted my Uday from his first salary. It look perfect in her. All the the 45 years she looked resplendent in that sari, commanding respect and exuding warmth as she was wore it for the first time.

That was the thing with Uday. Everything he did and said was perfect or at least nearly so. Be it in business or personal life, His decision are always bang on. He was a master of people management and he exhibited his skills both at work and at home. This what makes him a hero for his loving wife and for his son Arvin. Uday was like a magical mirror in her life. Whenever she seeks for an opinion he is only one for him.

She use to belong from a middle class family. When got married to high class business man Uday. She learned a knowledge of dressing up to stand next to him in all his parties. But Uday use to like she pin the string of jasmine oh her hair, which falls down with her braid. Even after little years she shifted from braid to bun Uday doesn’t want to lose that Jasmine smell. So for him she used to pin Jasmine around her hair very neatly. The scent of her hair gave him a high that no joint in th world could match, he told her so many occasions.

Placing the lunch basket carefully beside her on the back seat, she nodded to the driver. He had already kept the car ready for madam. He had been with the household for many years now and knew the importance of this day. Therefore he certainly didn’t want to car have any damage in the chill morning.

 As soon as the car started her phone rings. Even before seeing the screen knew it was Arvin.

‘All set?’ he asked, emotions constricting her voice ‘Did you make any sweet?’
‘No beta, your father doesn’t like any sweet remember?’
‘Of course. Just asked. Hope everything goes well. Take care Ma.’

It took Twenty minutes to reach the place, thanks to the empty morning roads. As the car entered the compound, She could hear the early morning bird chirping voice. Uday loved these Voices.

She got down from the car, Which driver drove away to the parking lot and she walked towards the Uday’s room. As she neared it she could hear the nurse’s voice, ‘Good morning, Mr. Uday. Hope you slept well.’
She did not hear and response.

Uday was sitting in a posture as nurse made him sit in. His eyes lost in some far off, unknown realm, searching answers for questions that did not exist. She fussed over him for sometime; changing his sheets, making him wear a new shirt and dhoti, Combing his hair. Then she sat bu her side and read Gita whole morning. Every now and then she looked up at her husband face to see sign of wellness. None whatsoever was forthcoming. Then she collect her self and start reading again.

Dementia. That’s what had hit the Uday’s family. Its is the global injury in which patient lost memory, attention, language and problem solving. His business suffered a great loss which lead him to this phase. He took all the tension. And soon the problem become so big that he had be given in palliative care center.

She knew it well the disease is degenerative and had no proper cure, she hoped for some sort of recovery. The doctors had told her it would be only possible only through some sort of miracle. But God was not in any mood for miracles just then. Uday’s condition went from bad to worse.

It hard for her to see her husband like this. Who use to command people. And help each and everyone is now dependent on other even for a pee.

It’s a mid-day. Time for lunch. She took out a lunch basket and laid the item on the table besides Uday’s bed. She puts a little of each item on the plate and repacked the rest. Giving the rest of the food to the nurse. She said ‘It is my husband birthday today and I made some special food. I would like all the good people who take care of my husband to have some. Please take this and distribute among the team of your nurse, Would you?’ The nurse happily obliged and went to share the treat with her colleagues.

She closed the door behind the nurse and return to Uday. She sat for a moment near him, Whishing for his lost eyes to turn their focus on her, just once. Closing her eyes she planted a soft kiss on  Uday’s forehead with full intensity of love on his skin. A minute later, She took a vial from her handbag and added some of the contents to the food on Uday’s plate. She started feeding her loving husband spoonful, Singing softly:
    ‘Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you
      Happy birthday dear Uday, Happy birthday to you
      May god bless you, May god bless you’

Tear streamed down her eyes. From tomorrow white would be the color in her world. Praying ‘May God bless my husband with an easy and painless death.’ She went on feeding the poisoned food to the person she loved the most.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Its Never Too Late

'We can’t meet anymore Aadit’ I said.

‘Why Jovita?’ Why?’ He asked.

I could see the tears in his eyes which were about to fall. He was getting weak. I loved him with all my heart but I couldn’t even go against my parents who trusted me so much.

‘My parents won’t allow me. And we both knew it from starting.’ I replied. ‘I can’t go against my parents.’

"Then who was I? I devoted 5 years of my life to you and loved you like an idiot all this while " he said. "I am addicted to you Jovita. I cant see my life without you."

"Aadit, We knew it from starting baby. All this time we knew what’s the end of this relationship" I replied.

I knew myself well. I knew how much I was attached to him. I knew what he meant to me but more than that I was worried about my dad. He spent all his life for my happiness. I couldn't do this to him.

We were in a restaurant at that moment. I made a move to leave saying "Aadit, I need to go. Bye!"

“Bye” was one word we both decided that we will never say to each other. He hated “Bye”. I made him feel that we are never meeting again in life .And started to walk away .

He called my name ‘Jovita’ and I turned back and saw him standing there. He continued ‘Remember one thing Jovita. I am always here for you. I will always love you. I remain happy in my life only for you. Cause I know you love me. And be happy. Always. I will miss you.’ He looked straight in my eyes all this while .

Finally I broke down. A tear rolled down my cheeks and I hugged him. And cried. He cried with me too.‘I love you more than you know’ I whispered to him . I struggled a bit to drift away from him but to make things even more difficult for me, he got hold of my hand as I was leaving and said ‘I always want to see you happy. Smiling. Please smile for me.’

We both were too shattered from inside but we still smiled at each other. And that’s when I saw him last. Its been almost one year since the day we saw each other last but I can still feel his presence in my life. I always see his name in my what's app list and an urge plays up in me to message him. But I can't. When I listen to ‘Mann Mera song’ which he dedicated to me when he proposed to me I miss him terribly. I miss him when I see Aish and Hrithik jodi. Actually I think I just need a reason to miss him. I love him like an idiot. I always pray to god to do some miracle to bring him back in my life. But the time passes by and that day doesn't come.

My marriage has finally been arranged ‘in my so called caste’. I don’t know why this caste is so important in marriage. Why its important to get married in the same caste. I wonder if my babies will be normal people or they will be born with some caste stamp on them like from some movie Tera bapp chor hai’types and my baby will born with ‘You belong to your so called Caste’.

But anyways,more than a caste it was for my dad.

‘Jovita, get ready fast. Nadeen is about to come to pick you up.’ My dad screamed.

My dad was more excited than me. Actually he was the only one who was excited. It was my first meeting with Nadeen after our marriage was announced. I wanted to tell Nadeen about my past with Aadit. And I knew I would let him know it tonight.

‘Dad, its ok. Relax I will decide. And don’t worry. Ok?’ I calmed my dad down.

He made me sit beside him and said ‘Jovita, you are my pride. I know you will never let me down.’

‘I love you Papa.’ I hugged him and asked him to leave my room as I had to get ready.

I wore an Anarkali suit in yellow colour which Aadit used to like the most. He always said that I looked like an angel in yellow colour. As I got ready reached the living area I saw Nadeen sitting there with my dad. He stood up the very moment when he saw me there and kept on looking at me. I fancied that look a lot. I kept finding Aadit in him whenever he did that. But he was way different than Aadit.

We had dinner together. He treated me like a polite gentleman. All the time I was looking for a moment to tell him about Aadit. But there was none that I could find and was a bit sad. 

When he was leaving me back home in car he mumbled quietly ‘Jovita’

It instantly made me attentive bringing me out of myriad thoughts running through my mind.
‘Am I so bad?’ he asked. I looked towards him in a weird expression. He continued ‘No, I mean I was speaking all along. But you never responded well.’

‘No its not like that. You are a very nice person Nadeen. I am just a little shy one. It takes me a little time to open myself .’ I quickly replied trying to hide all that I was busy thinking in all evening.

As we reached home, I invited him inside the house. The door was open. We entered the house and found Nadeen’s parents and my dad sitting in the living area. Meanwhile they had decided upon mine and Nadeen’s engagement the other day and wedding just after. I didn’t know how to react once they told us this. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wasn’t happy deep down. But my mind continuously ticking ‘be happy,be happy’ made me behave like I really was.

The next morning was all different. It wasn’t the same house I was living in. It was more like some luxurious hotel. It was all like the way I had ever dreamt of. From my attire to my card, everything. But some other things changed my feeling to the name written in the card. I still imagined life with him. But I had to accept the reality.And the reality was different.

With days and nights passing by in all good pace the moment arrived when I was dressed like a bride. When I was treated like a princess. I was there walking the aisle. Despite of what I had wanted I headed towards the stage. Nadeen's eyes were all on me. And I just had no guts to look in his eyes. I stood beside him and soon the ceremony started and we both exchanged our rings. I wanted to cry out loud. But I had to be happy. Soon the guests started flocking both of us one by one to wish us. I didn’t look up a single time. I didn’t want to. Cause if I did I would have to smile and which I couldn't. I just nodded my head every time someone wished.

‘Congratulations Nadeen. Your wife is beautiful’ someone greeted Nadeen.

I looked up to recall that voice. It was Aadit who was standing in front of me. My heart almost missed a beat. I wanted to hold his hand. Wanted to tell him about the way I lived without him all this time.

But I said nothing. My eyes filled with tears. Aadit stood next to me for a photo-op. While making a move to go down the stage Aadit left a note in my hand. I was eagerly waiting to read that note.

As soon as the function got over and I was a bit alone I read the note. The note said ‘Meet me at pool side around 11 pm today.’

I changed into casuals and left as soon as I could. He was already there waiting for me.

‘Aadit, what are you doing here?’ I gasped in all the haste and inquisitiveness to know what he had to say.
He replied ‘Nadeen is my friend and he has invited me here.’

‘Why did you call me here?’ I asked
‘I was noticing you since sometime standing there and the way you were looking down all the time holding your pallu. I could see the tears in your eyes. Your actions made me give you the note’ He continued. ‘Jovita, Nadeen is one the best persons I know. Please, don’t do that to him. He never had a girlfriend. He always wanted to have only one girl in his life and that too he left on his parents. Please, Don’t be unfair to him.’

He continued again ‘Speak something Jovita. I am with you and always will be. Whatever is there you can say.’

‘Aadit I was scared, I wanted to tell him lot of things but I didn’t know where to start with. I really miss you.’ A tear rolled down my cheeks. I started crying and said ‘I cant let you go. I tried. I tried thousands of times. But I failed. I know I am doing wrong. I am destroying everyone’s life yours, mine and Nadeen's. But I don't know what to do Aadit. Please help. Please!’

‘Okay! First stop crying. Stop crying baby. I am here na. I wont let anything happen to you’ he said..
I controlled my tears and asked ‘ Aadit, Can you do last thing for me?’
He replied ‘Yes Baby.’
‘I want to live this night fully. I want imagine my whole life with you in this moment.’ I asked.
He hold my hands and said ‘I will make this night your whole life.’
He took me in some film studio.. And I travelled my life journey in that night.
We got married then we had our babies in which Aadit wanted 5 and I wanted only 2 and we were almost about to fight. The they got married. We had our grand children and we die after seeing their marriage together to make a new life. I lived my whole life in those moments.

Now after at the age of 53 when I wanted to see my Grand children marriages. Aadit was in front of me. Kneeled down and proposing me to be his life forever. And I was thinking How long forever its going to be.

‘What? Why are you laughing? And please reply fast. My knees are paining.’

‘Why are you doing this?’ I asked.

‘Because now there are no boundaries. Because its only us. And no one will ask reason. And if they do it wont matter to us.’ he said.

I laughed and finally ‘Yes. I will.’ I replied.

And the next day we were married.

When we going through our albums I said to Aadit ‘I miss my dad Aadit.’ And continued ‘After that night. I wasn’t sure how to accept Nadeen in my life. So, I refused to get married. My dad accepted that without any question. My dad has created his respect so I can’t go against him. But I can’t go with him to destroy someone future. I got job here Salzburg and shifted here. And become neighbors with you. And with the right time when no will ask question we got married.’

‘Jovita, Don’t think so much. For me its you who matter not my marriage or having children. We have been separated but still we were together.’ He hold my hands and continued ‘I have got a new birth today. You are the most beautiful part of my life. Who is with me and always going to be with me. I love you Jovita I love you a lot.’

Credits: Edited By: Sumita Garg :) Thank you di.